Real Life Situation

Why would a child behave aggressively toward a new brother or sister?

Though the arrival of a newborn baby may bring tremendous joy to a 4-year-old child, sooner or later, it also brings frustrations. For instance, the child soon realizes that to adjust to the newborn baby's needs, her daily routine has to change: as the baby needs to be fed when needed, her daily walk has either to be postponed or cancelled; when the baby sleeps, she has to keep quiet and because they can be harmful to the baby, some of his favorite objects like ropes or tiny pieces, are put away.

Also, with the arrival of the newborn baby often come new demands from the child's parents. For instance, all of a sudden, her parents ask her to use the potty and starts wearing panties ("one baby wearing diapers is enough!"), to dress herself or to play on her own ("I can't do everything at the same time!"). These new demands require a lot of adaptation and the child may feel neglected and left out (all her parents' attention goes to the newborn). The child may then feel lonely and sad, particularly when she sees the newborn receiving all the attention and special handling; she may believe his parents don't love her anymore or that they prefer the baby over her. Because of the changes it creates, the young child may feel resentful of the arrival of a newborn baby and this can cause strong negative emotions and frustrations toward the baby (the child is fully aware that the baby is responsible for all the changes she has to cope with).

If the child feels she is able to adjust, even slightly, to these changes, she will have mixed feelings: although she loves the baby, she also has frustrations. For instance, she could come to the baby, hug him and kiss him, then start nibbling him so strongly that she makes him cry. Or she could pop a pacifier in and out of the baby's mouth until he starts crying. If the child feels unable to cope with these changes at all, then her reaction toward the baby will definitely be negative: "I don't like the baby". She can either ignore the baby (she can refuse to take care of the baby or even to give him a smile), reject him ("we should take him back to the hospital!"), or handle him roughly (she could pinch him or bite him). Predictably, the child will be reprimanded by his parents ("Why are you so nasty to your little brother?") and even get punished. In this context, the child's resentment will only get worse as she will also feel guilty about not loving the baby.

Tips for Parents

What can you do if your child has difficulties coping with the arrival of a newborn baby in the family?

• Be attentive to your child's mixed feelings about the newborn baby
  If she makes the baby cry, talk to your child and try to understand her intentions; for instance, ask her: "What were you trying to do?". If the child is really angry at the baby, encourage her to talk about her mixed feelings: "Do you love your little brother today?" Why are you so angry?". Tell her you understand how difficult it may be for her to accept the arrival of a newborn baby. You can also help her accept the situation by using humor: "Here is what we will do; we will play a magic trick to turn your little brother into a frog!".



• Explain to your child why you spend so much time with the baby
  When you are busy attending to the baby, include your child in the process by showing her what you do. Tell her you used to do the same thing when she was a baby. Tell her how she was, show her photos, tell her about some of the funniest moments you had with her. Tell her that the baby needs to be taken care of as he is too young to take care of himself; but as he grows, you will not spend so much time with him.



• Tell your child how much you love her
  The arrival of the new baby is likely to change your routine, and the number of activities you used to do with your child will probably be reduced. Rather than saying "no" to your child, help her find new activities she can do while you are busy with the baby; this will prevent unnecessary resentment. Help her develop a new and pleasant routine. For instance, you could help her make fun crafts, or help her find games she can play alone like memory games, puzzles, etc.



• Suggest new activities
  The arrival of the new baby is likely to change your routine, and the number of activities you used to do with your child will probably be reduced. Rather than saying "no" to your child, help her find new activities she can do while you are busy with the baby; this will prevent unnecessary resentment. Help her develop a new and pleasant routine. For instance, you could help her make fun crafts, or help her find games she can play alone like memory games, puzzles, etc.



• Do not allow aggressive behaviors
  Tell your child she has a right to be angry or frustrated with the baby, but she also has to understand she will never have the right to hurt the baby. Be firm and consistent in your statement. Clearly explain that you will never accept any aggressive behavior from her just like you would not accept anyone to behave aggressively toward her. And remember, if you're to discipline your child, be consistent and do not behave aggressively by slapping her hand or spanking her.



• Encourage your child's initiatives
  When she seems to be interested, encourage your child to help with activities she can do easily e.g., get a clean diaper, brush the baby's hair, etc. Even if she doesn't do everything perfectly, praise her efforts and encourage her to continue to help you with the new baby in your presence.