It is 8 o’clock and you are late for work. Four-year-old Émilie dawdles and takes more time than is necessary. When the time comes to get her in the car, there she goes, dawdling again. To help her get faster, you grab her arm and get her in the car quickly. Surprised, Émilie immediately starts crying and accuses you of hurting her arm.

Real Life Situation

Why children don’t like to be rushed or pushed?

For young children, physical touch is a mode of communication as important as speech. Since they were born, children have been cuddled, hugged and rocked, and that gave them the ability to develop a strong bonding attachment to their parents. But if a parent’s touch is interpreted by the child as soothing and reassuring, it will create anxiety and confusion if the parent’s touch becomes rude.

Still limited in his capacity to understand his parent’s emotions and intentions, the child can interpret this rudeness as a lack of affection from his parent, a desire to push him aside or a signal that his parent wants to hurt him. Such an interpretation creates a deep feeling of insecurity and can cause the child to cry or to seek help from her other parent. Others will speak out and tell their other parent: “ Mommy, mommy, daddy hurt me !”

Most of the time, these reactions are triggered by a child’s fears more than physical pain. When a parent becomes rude, the child will not feel secure anymore. His cognitive abilities make it difficult for her to understand that her parent’s reaction may be due to his tiredness, stress or anxiety. To feel secure, a child needs to feel her parent is in “control of himself” and that able to take care of her in a “reassuring” manner.

However, experiencing rude gestures is inevitable and their effect on children is highly variable. Actually it depends on the quality of the relationship between the parent and the child. If the parent’s rudeness takes place in a relationship that is already tense and conflictual with his child, this attitude will only contribute to maintain the child’s low self-esteem (the child can feel she is not loved nor appreciated by her parent and his rude attitude only confirm her feelings). On the other hand, such gestures are less damaging to the child when her relationship with her parent is loving and caring, when they only occur occasionally and when the parent can react in such a way he is able to make the child feel safe again after they had occurred.

Tips for Parents

How Should You React if You’re Being Rude With Your Child?

• Tell him the reasons for your rudeness
  You were afraid he got hit by a car and you grabbed him by the arm: give him the reasons why you grabbed his arm so rudely. You are angry and impatient: acknowledge that you were wrong and ask your child to forgive you for your behavior when necessary.
  


• Acknowledge that your behavior frightened your child
  It is quite important to acknowledge that your child may find your behavior surprising. You can help him handle her emotion by telling her for instance: “You are crying because I frightened you”. Just like a parent’s kiss would treat your child’s cuts and bruises, you can “treat” your behavior by reassuring your child.
  Actually, your reaction will influence the way your child will react to your behavior. If you refuse to acknowledge her feelings (or in some cases, her pain), she will feel helpless toward the feared situation and will gradually lose confidence in your capacity to support her. She might be tempted to keep her feelings to herself and get angry at you. On the other hand, if you acknowledge her feelings and let her know how your care about her feelings, your child will be reassured and will be able to handle the situation in a positive manner. When confronted to similar situations with other people, she might even do just like you. If you acknowledge your child’s feelings and if you correct your behavior, your child will behave the same way with other people.
  


• Know when to seek help
  If you are experiencing repeated behavioral problems and if your relationship with your child is deteriorating, seek help. Perhaps you need support for a while, or be advised on how to communicate with your child. For your well-being and your child’s, do not hesitate to seek help from parenting groups or centers.
  

Back to Themes