You are dressing the baby while Michel, your new life partner, gives you a hand by helping 4-year-old daughter Maude prepare her lunch for a picnic at the daycare center. When Michel refuses to let her bring too many cookies for her picnic, she gets angry and tells him: “You’re not my dad!”. But when she sees you supporting your partner, Maude starts sulking.

Real Life Situation

Why does a child find it so difficult to accept the authority of her parent’s new partner?

When a child challenges the authority of a new partner, it is often due to the fact that she resents his integration in the family. This reaction is quite common as the arrival of a new partner imposes some losses and restrictions to the child. First, the new partner receives some of the attention that the birth parent was usually dedicating to her and therefore, takes it away from her. For the child, this is a real loss and may hold the new partner responsible. When the new partner gets more and more involved in her parental role, the child is annoyed twice as much as two adults are now there to watch her and impose limits that reduce her freedom. The child may also find herself in a position where she needs to respond to either new requirements (for instance, the new partner asks the child to tie her shoes alone while her birth parent didn’t), or contradictory requirements (for instance, the partner forbids the child to eat with her fingers while her birth parent allows it).

This is when the sentence “you’re not my dad!” may come up when the child tries to avoid closer monitoring, new requirements or to dissipate the confusion created by those that are contradictory. The child may also say the sentence in an unconscious attempt to get rid of the person who stole some of the attention his birth parent used to give her.

The child’s mitigated acceptance of the new partner also hides what is called the “loyalty conflict”. The child thinks that the new partner wants to replace her absent mom or dad. By loyalty, she feels like she has the duty to defend her absent parent by refusing to acknowledge the new partner. The child may even secretly think that if she succeeds in getting rid of the new partner, the parent who was evicted by the separation will come back. This is called the “fantasy of parental reconciliation”, this secret desire to see her two birth parents getting back together.

Despite all these rejection attempts from the child, pushing the new partner away will not bring her any satisfaction. On the contrary, if the child succeeds in destabilizing the new partner, she will feel empowered and this will create a deep feeling of insecurity. It is therefore the strength of the new relationship that will make her feel secure and bring the pleasure to have new someone who loves her, cares for her and brings new things in her life. The birth parent has therefore an important role to play to help her new partner find his place while reassuring her child toward the new relationship that has just begun.

Tips for Parents

How can you help your child accept the authority of your new partner ?

• Acknowledge the difficulties your child is facing
  Take the time to fully understand the reasons that motivate your child to challenge your new partner’s authority. Is she worried (“I’m afraid that my dad thinks I don’t love him anymore or that he wouldn’t approve of my getting along with my mom’s new partner”), or is there any inconsistencies between the new household habits and the needs of your child (she is used to take her bath with the door closed and your new partner wants it to be kept open), or does your new partner really make your child uncomfortable (your new partner’s attitudes affect your child’s physical and psychological integrity). When you fully understand why your child is resentful of your new partner, you will be in a better position to help her by reassuring her, accompanying her, adjusting your requirements or by talking to your partner.
  


• Let your new partner take the space he needs to develop a quality relationship with your child
  This is the depth of the relationship your new partner will establish with your child that will motivate her to perceive his authority positively (if a child likes the adult, she will accept to meet his requirements and respect his rules). Before thinking of discipline, the new partner should first focus on building a relationship with his partner’s child. You may facilitate the connection between your child and your partner by letting your partner take the initiative. Playing together is an excellent way to reach a child.
  


• Encourage your partner to be patient and to respect your child’s pace
  In the beginning, the new partner should always agree with you or support what you say. Then, when a good relationship is established, he will be able to gradually find his role with discipline. It is important to give time to both the child and the new partner to build their relationship.
  


• Reassure your child by keeping his rituals and some of his life habits
  The arrival of a new partner is likely to change some family life habits. To facilitate your child’s adjustment to this new reality, try to keep as many of her rituals and life habits as possible (daily routines for bedtime, meals, etc.). Your child will accept your new partner more easily if she feels that his arrival hasn’t disrupted her life.
  


• Agree with your partner on the same set of rules
  To maintain consistency for your child, it is important that you and your partner agree on the same set of rules and system of discipline. It is also preferable to have the same approach when your child doesn’t respect these rules. Otherwise, your child will use this inconsistency to challenge your partner and it will become difficult for her to acknowledge his authority. On the other hand, you can change a rule that you had set with your child before the arrival of your partner. The key is to clearly explain to your child your new common choice.
  


• Ask your child to respect your partner
  If your child doesn’t accept the arrival of your partner, you can tell her: “You have the right not to like my partner, but you have to respect him.” It is important for your child to feel that you understand how difficult it may be for her to accept your new partner, that you do not ask her to like him, but to respect him. For instance, if your child is disrespectful toward your new partner or refuses to listen to her, it is important for you to tell your child that you do not approve of her attitude. Support your partner is one way to show your child that you love your partner, that he means a lot to you. Your child will then feel the strength of your relationship.
  

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