You and your partner have decided to separate. You have decided to tell your children after dinner. You are very nervous and you are wondering how they will react to the news.

Real Life Situation

How do children react at the news that their parents are separating?

The announcement of a separation doesn’t really mark the beginning of a new reality for the child. Most of the time, it started well before the actual announcement and the child was already aware of the tensions in the house and changes in his parents’ attitudes: she may have heard her parents arguing, noticed that they do not kiss each other like they used to, or that they do not share the same bed anymore. To her, these changes create anxiety as she doesn’t understand why they are occurring.

Once the separation is announced, the child then understands that her perceptions were right. She can therefore want to validate some of her interpretations: “Is it why you often cry? Is it why you and dad often argue?”. Even if the news is nothing to make your child happy, it can nonetheless be reassuring in the sense that it puts an end to some of your child’s anxiety as she better understands the meaning of the changes she observed.

However, to understand why the separation is occurring is more difficult for her. Most children spontaneously believe that they are the reason why their parents separate, that if they would have been nicer, their parents would have argued less and would not have separated. A child who blames herself for her parents’ separation, feels guilty and may feel decreased self-esteem. She may even be on her best behavior, hoping her parents will change their minds about the separation. But her efforts will be vain and her sense of guilt will only grow bigger if nothing is done to let her understand that she is in no way responsible for the situation.

The announcement of a separation also force the child to cope with a lot of changes “to come” that may create a sense of insecurity as they will destabilize her safe environment. What concerns her the most is whether she will keep her parents, her house, her toys, her daycare center, her friends… In a nutshell, she wants to know if her world will remain the same. As long as she knows that her parents will remain present in her life and that some things won’t change (for instance, going to the daycare center), the child is likely to accept these changes and adjust accordingly. Knowing other children whose parents are also separated may also help her develop a clear picture of a separation implications: “’l’ll pack my bags like Valérie.”. However, at 4 to 5 years of age, a child’s real reaction may only occur once she understands the full consequences of these changes and this will only happen when she experiences them. Before she lives them, she may actually get excited by the idea of having two houses for instance.

The reaction of the child toward the separation is often linked to his parents’. The more positive the parents are about the separation, the less dramatic is the image the child makes of it and the more confident she is in her ability to adjust to her new reality. The child can also get more support from her parent if he knows his child is able to adjust, which consequently increases her sense of security.

Tips for Parents

How can you tell your child about your separation?

• Tell about the separation together at the same time
  When both parents announce the separation at the same time, the child understands that her two parents agree on the decision even if it is not an easy decision to make. Try not to convey to the child that one of the parents doesn’t want the separation, even if it may be the case. If your child understands that the decision is not shared and gets the impression that one of her parents doesn’t want this, she may develop a negative perception of the separation and find it hard to adjust.
  


• Keep a positive attitude and be transparent
  You should tell your child that it is not easy to separate. Be open and tell her that you are sad, but that you won’t be forever. Reassure her by telling her that it always takes time to adjust but that you will make it. Acknowledge your child’s feelings if she talks about them. If she feels you have been sad or in a bad mood lately, confirm that yes, what is happening saddens you and that her perceptions are correct. This will reassure her about how she feels and will help her understand the reasons for the separation.
  


• Explain your decision
  It is important for your child to know that she is not to blame for the separation. Don’t give too many details about the reasons that caused the separation. Simply tell your child that your partner and you are no longer in love and as a result, you both prefer to no longer live together.
  


• Explain to your child the consequences of your separation
  Reassure your child by telling her about the changes the separation will bring to her life. While you’re explaining some of the changes (for instance, when you tell her that mom and dad will no longer live in the same house, that they will both have their own house and that she will have two houses, etc.), tell her that she will maintain a relationship with both of you: “You will still see mom and dad, you will keep your friends, you will go to the same daycare center”, etc.
  


• Tell her how much you love him
  Your child will become insecure. Your own preoccupations may make you less attentive to your child and this will only increase her sense of insecurity. She may also wonder if one fine day, you can simply stop loving her like you stopped loving your partner. Tell her that your partner and you will always love her and that the separation will never change that; this will lessen her insecurity. She must also be reassured on the fact that her two parents will continue to take care of her and spend time with her.
  


• Try to maintain as many of your child’s routines as possible
  The anxiety caused by the separation process may be easier for your child to handle if her daily routines are maintained as much as possible e.g., the morning, meal and bedtime routines. Let her take familiar objects with her such as her teddy bear, her favorite blanket, etc.
  


• Help her express her anger, her fears and sadness
  Listen to what she tells you and spend quality time with her so she can talk about her worries, her anger and sadness. Some lullabies can explain to the child the emotions that are caused by a separation and help her express herself. If you can’t let her talk about her feelings, make sure she has the opportunity to do it with another adult, be it an aunt, a grand-parent or a professional.
  


• Be more tolerant of the changes in your child’s behavior
  A separation is a major change in a child’s life. During the adjustment period, it is normal for a child to behave differently. She is more agitated, more vulnerable; she may require more from you or may not want to leave you, etc. Be attentive to what she is going through and be more tolerant of her behaviors yet do not tolerate behaviors that in your opinion are inappropriate.
  

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