Jérôme loves to play with the yellow truck that belongs to Émile, his cousin and he would like to take it home with him for a few days. As to Émile, he really likes to play with Jérôme’s tool box. Émile’s mother suggests that they exchange their toys for a few days but Jérôme refuses to lend his tool box but insists on bringing Émile’s yellow truck home with him.

Real Life Situation

Why is it sometimes such a big deal for a child to lend toys to a friend?

For a child, lending a toy for a long time is much different than just sharing it with her playmate. If she shares her toy while she plays with her friend, she is still in control of it as she sees how it is being handled by her friend; if she feels her toy is not handled appropriately, she can stop her friend from playing with it and take it back. However, if she lends it, she also accepts to be deprived of her toy; she also needs to trust her friend as to how he will use it.

As a 4-year-old child only understands the basic concepts of time, she may find it hard to estimate the duration of the loan and may believe she will be deprived of her toy for a very long time. In addition, for many children, the distinction between “lending a toy” and “giving a toy” is still vague. Some children may therefore believe that the toy they lend is actually given and consequently, that they will never see it again. The way children talk about this often confirms this confusion. It is quite common to hear a child spontaneously say: “I’ll give you my toy, but only for two nights”.

It is also fairly common for a child who wants to exchange toys, to find it difficult to agree with her friend on the toys they will actually exchange. When a child refuses to lend a particular toy or cannot borrow the toy she wants from her friend, it creates frustrations. This situation becomes even trickier when the parent puts his own conditions (e.g., do not lend a toy that is too fragile, expensive or made with tiny pieces). Tensions will arise as the value a child gives to her toy is quite different from her parent’s. For the child, what really matters is the pleasure she gets when she plays with it rather than its purchase price.

Some children may also believe that if they lend one of their toys, they will get it back damaged. This is often the case for children who have a little brother or sister. From experience, they know that their play dough is likely to get back to them mixed with different colors, that their toy car batteries will be dead or that some tiny pieces will be missing. As a result, some children will give a lot of care instructions while others will simply refuse to lend their favorite ones.

Even if it may create some difficulties, toy lending may be a powerful learning experience for a child. This gives her the chance to get familiar with the basic concepts of time, learn how to trust her peers, make choices and negotiate; she also can enjoy all the benefits of the toy she borrows. However, to make this experience pleasant and profitable, a child needs to be helped by her parent to organize it properly.

Tips for Parents

How can you help your child share toys with a friend?

• Step in and help the children get organized
  Help your child to ensure that the toy exchange is fun. While you respect the children’s choices, you can ensure that the exchange is fair. Help each of the children names the toys they wish to borrow so there is no confusion between them. If they don’t agree on the selection of toys, help them find alternatives. Finally, help them agree on the conditions they must respect so that the exchange can take place.
  


• Be attentive to your child’s concerns
  If you child refuses to lend her toys, try to understand her reasons and dissipate her concerns by explaining for instance, the difference between lending and giving or by setting with her loan conditions (“I’m lending you my toy but…”).
  


• Help your child distinguish between lending and giving
  Remind her that the toy she lends to her friend still belongs to her. Explain that when we lend something, it gets back to us. The same rule applies when we borrow a toy: it doesn’t belong to us and we have to give it back to its owner. She can use examples to better understand the difference the two. Giving is when you receive a gift for your birthday: this gift is given and therefore belongs to you. Lending is like when we rent a movie at the video club and need to bring it back the next day, or when your grand-father lends us his car and we have to bring it back to him a few days later, etc.
  


• Set clear rules
  When your child wants to borrow a toy from a friend, ask her to lend one as well. By refusing to let your child borrow a toy if she refuses to lend one, you help her understand the notion of exchange. Furthermore, make sure the loan is respected by asking your child to give the toy back on time and to her friend to bring hers back to her on time as well.
  


• Set the loan conditions with your child
  Determine the duration of the loan and how the toy should be used (e.g., the only person who can play with the toy is the person who borrows it). For some toys, you can give instructions like “Do not play outside the house with a game that contains several tiny pieces” or “Do not to use the remote-controlled toy car in the grass”, etc.
  

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