Theme	Venting anger without taking it out on others
	Category	Relationships with oneself (feelings)

Real Life Situation

Why young children get angry so easily (or have tantrums)?

Temper tantrums in young children are a way to express their anger. Behind this anger are many other emotions that a child may not quite distinguish (disappointment, sadness, fear); she expresses these emotions by reacting in a way that is intimately related to how she understands and perceives the things around her.

For instance, in a young child, sadness and disappointment are felt more intensively. Unlike older children, a young child tends to focus only on the present moment; as a result, sadness and disappointment will be felt more intensively as these are the only things she can think of. Her lack of life experience prevents her from imagining different solutions to her problem; therefore, she may feel her discomfort will last forever, which makes it even more difficult for her to handle.

These feelings of disappointment and sadness in the child can also be accompanied by feelings of frustration and worry. For example, she may feel treated unfairly if she doesn’t understand why there are things she is not allowed to do (e.g., when she is being told “no” to something she wants to do like buying candies or taking a ride on the carousel at the mall). Similarly, if she realizes how little power she has to change the situation (“grown-ups decide”), then she may fear no to be able to get understood; this is often when most children will throw tantrums (e.g., they will cry, shout, throw themselves on the floor).

For others, the development of their language skills will determine the level of difficulty a child may have to express her unpleasant emotions: without a good grasp of language to express herself as quickly as she wants to or how she feels, she will throw tantrums to express her emotions.

Sometimes, the anger is so intense that the child may feel a strong sense of insecurity. If the child starts throwing objects or throws herself on the floor, she may become unable to control her own reaction and feel very anxious. What will make her feel secure is the impression that the adult who is with her is able to help her get back in control of her emotions and find a solution to the problem that caused her anger. Therefore, the parent has a vital role to play in helping his child acknowledge her emotions and express them properly; this is called emotion auto-regulation.

Tips for Parents

How can you help your child when she gets angry?

• Be patient, firm and calm.
  Time, calm and firmness are still the best ways to help a child that gets angry. Give her time to get in control of her emotions; it is useless to shout at her or to ask her to keep quiet; this will only make things worse and increase her level of insecurity. Ask her to come to you and tell you what makes her so angry. You may suggest she goes to her room to take a few minutes to calm down before she talks to you.
  


• Set clear limits.
  Step in quickly yet calmly if your child misbehaves (e.g., do not let her break objects, hurt herself or hurt her little brother). Some children will hurt themselves during anger outbursts (they will bang their heads, pull out their hair or bite themselves). It is important to prevent your child from behaving this way by telling her softly: “You can get angry but I don’t want you to hurt yourself”.

  However, you can let your child get rid of the physical tensions that come with her anger: let her hit her pillow, throw paper balls on the couch, run in the backyard or do a physical activity.



• Help her understand and express her emotions.
  Your child needs you to put words on how she feels before she can do it herself. For instance, if you realize your child is angry because you said “no” to something she wanted, help her understand your reasons by saying softly: “You are angry because I don’t want you to eat cookies before dinner”. Then, you can help her express her anger in words: “I am angry”, then as a second step, help her describe her emotions more precisely: “You think it’s unfair not to be able to eat what you want”.
  


• Help her handle the situation.
  Acknowledge her right to be angry by saying something like: “No child likes it when a parent says no”. In this case, you could tell her you understand she is disappointed and you can help her find ways to handle the situation better. For instance, instead of cookies, you could let her choose between a carrot and a piece of cheese before dinner.
  


• Avoid shaming your child about her emotions.
  Avoid making her guilty of how she feels. For instance, don’t tell her: “You shouldn’t get angry”, that she should understand why you say “no” or that “only babies get angry like this!”
  


• Avoid encouraging your child to get angry.
  When your child gets angry because you said “no” to something she wanted, do no give in. If you do so, she will be encouraged to get angry whenever she wants something she can’t get right away.
  


• If you are angry, set an example for your child.
  Your child has her own temper and depending on how calm and quick-tempered she is, her angry outbursts will be either smoother or simply explosive. However, the way you behave when you’re angry also models your child’s behavior. A child will learn certain behaviors by watching how her parents or siblings behave when they’re angry.