Theme	"Mom... tell Bilou that..."
	Category	Relationships with others (unfamiliar adults)

Real Life Situation

Why some children are reluctant to interact with adults they don't know?

For children, interacting with an adult they don't know brings a new dimension. It means they have to trust someone other than their parents and do something that is new to them too (e.g., tell a cashier the kind of candies they want, tell their caregivers what is wrong, etc.). This new task may become even more challenging if the child needs to ask for a special favor, express her disappointment or admit her mistake.

In such situations, some children are more intimidated than others. Whether they are more sensitive than others to changes or more anxious, they have a tendency to be shyer and inclined to avoid any contact with people they don't know. These children will spontaneously say they don't want or cannot talk to the new adult because they don't know him. Often, they will avoid eye contact with him and squeeze themselves against their parents. Actually, if the child believes the new adult is trying to interact with her (e.g., the adult speaks loud, comes close to the child, or tries too much to make her talk or react), her resentment may be even stronger. In other cases, distinctive physical features will be enough to trigger the child's resentment (e.g., a big beard, height, a deep bass voice).

In other cases, children won't talk to adults they don't know simply because they were told not to (e.g., "Don't talk to strangers"). Some will even believe that strangers are bad people and when they're asked to talk to them, naturally they get confused. For a 4-year-old child, it is hard to understand that what needs to be avoided is adults' inappropriate behaviors, not strangers.

For others, the resentment stems from the arrival of a new adult in their lives (e.g., a parent's new partner). In these cases, the child may believe that if she accepts to interact with the new partner, she rejects her birth parent and stops being loyal to him. The resentment of a new adult usually dissipates over time as he becomes more familiar to the child.

If a child refuses to interact with a new adult, she is likely to ask her parent to interact with him for her. If the parent accepts to do it, then a relationship by proxy will emerge between the child and the new adult; this relationship is bound to be disappointing for both the child and the new adult as in most cases, the child will fail to reach her goal (e.g., "this is not what I wanted you to tell him; I didn't want him to say that"., etc.). In this case, the child may ask her parent to talk again to the new adult, but the parent may not always be willing to do so. When this happens, feelings of disappointment, helplessness and sadness arise.

A child may be relieved if she doesn't have to interact with an adult she doesn't know. However, refusing to do so will only bring failure and contribute to develop a sense of incompetence toward these situations. On the other hand, if the child feels supported by her parents when facing these situations, she will develop a sense of pride and trust in her abilities. The parent has therefore an important role to play in helping his child overcome her fears and successfully face the challenge!

Tips for Parents

How can you help your child interact directly with adults?

• Make her interact with other adults early in her life
  As soon as your child can talk, encourage her to interact with other adults. For instance, when it's time to buy pastries, place your order with the baker then ask your child to directly talk to the baker to order her pastry.
  


• Help your child express clearly what she wants
  When you force your child to talk to an adult or when you insist too much, you only make things worse. Be more flexible and respect her pace, little by little.
  
  If your child refuses to talk to particular adults, she might simply dislike them. Be attentive to these feelings and try to see why she doesn't like them and respect her choices.
  


• Acknowledge your child's feelings and accept her as she is
  Don't let her believe her shyness irritates you and try not to label her as a shy child. It is normal for a 4-year-old child to be intimidated by adults she hardly knows. Some children are shyer than others; they will never become outspoken and this is just fine. Acknowledge that it may be intimidating for your child to talk to an adult she hardly knows and let her know you accept her just as she is.
  
  
• Be patient
  Be it with your new partner, your friends or the baker, it may take some time before your child has enough confidence in herself and in others to start interacting directly with them. Be patient; even if she does it, she is likely to still feel uncomfortable at times, and may ask you to act on her behalf again.