Theme	Dealing with a busy parent
	Category	Relationships with others (parents)

Real Life Situation

Why do children need to be close to their parents so much?

The parent remains a child’s main attachment and security figure. A child needs moments when she can sit next to her parent, talk and play with him or be cuddled by him. Through these close contacts, the child feels loved and develops a good sense of security that is confirmed by the attention she gets from her parent and his availability when she has problems. These contacts are particularly important when the child is sick, tired or worried.

Most of the time, a child is able to get her parent’s attention in a positive manner (e.g., she invites him to play with her, to tell her about his day or about what a parent does). This positive approach enables the child to obtain these precious contacts with her parent. But when the child feels her parent is not attentive to her needs or is simply unavailable, she may become anxious, irritating, feel bored or sad, isolate herself or get angry. Some children may even tend to harass the parent or misbehave just to get his attention.

For a young child, it may be difficult to understand the reasons that prevent her parent from being with her. Even if the parent asks her to be reasonable and tell her why he can’t give her all the attention she wants, often the child will interpret this refusal as a form of non-desire, disinterest or even rejection if it happens frequently.

Arriving from daycare at night often marks the time when the child is the most affected by her parent’s lack of availability. Her parent is in a hurry, tired of her workday and often refuses to give her his attention as he needs to cook dinner and help his older children do their homework. This refusal is amplified by the fact that the child is also tired. She may therefore insist even in a clumsy way, because connecting with her parent at the end of the day makes her feel secure and comfortable.

What really matters for the child is not so much how much her parent spends with her, but how much he wants to be with her. Most of the time, only a few minutes will suffice to calm the child and give her the security she needs to move with her own activities. But it is not easy to do for the parent as he probably has a lot to deal with: the fast pace of his life, his work requirements and his family life. How will he make it?

Tips for Parents

How can you meet your child’s need for closeness?

• After you’ve been away, take time to reconnect with your child.
  When you’re back home, take time to relax and reconnect with your child before immediately doing housework. You can give her a little snack and spend time chitchatting with her and simply hugging each other. Only 10 minutes is enough to reconnect. Now relaxed, your child will be less inclined to seek your attention constantly.
  


• Get her involved in your activities.
  When you’re short of time and can’t stop (e.g., when you’re preparing dinner), you can still be in contact with your child by getting her involved in your work. Make this moment enjoyable by sitting her on a chair near you, by talking about what you’re doing or by inviting her to help you with your work if she wants to.
  


• Spend time with your child even if she doesn’t ask for it.
  When you are busy and your child is playing on her own, make a pause and go see your child even if she didn’t ask you to. You do not have to play with her. Simply spend time watching television with her or watch her play and ask her questions about the things she’s doing or tell her positive comments like: “You’re having fun; I like to see you play or draw”, etc. Your child will be glad to have you near and when you’re not available or too busy, she won’t seek your attention as much.
  


• Be attentive to your child’s need for attention.
  If she is sick, tired, worried and simply misses you, your child will want you to get closer. Try to respond to your child’s need while respecting your limits and activities. Avoid feeling guilty and compensating this feeling by offering gifts and candies for instance. Gifts will not replace your affection. The need for closeness is a fundamental need for a child and it cannot be filled with material treats.
  


• Be attentive to your child when you spend time with her.
  Be attentive to your child when you talk to her or play with her. Stop working or reading the paper when your child talks to you. Take time to look at her and listen to her. If you agree to do an activity with her, get involved completely and do not try to do two things at the same time.